Month: January 2014

Feelings in our Early Family

Post author By Richard
Post date January 29, 2014
No Comments on Feelings in our Early Family

Some authentic feelings may have been forbidden in early family life. Other feelings (or ‘Racket Feelings’) may have been allowed as replacements for the ones that weren’t allowed.

Some feelings were forbidden

In family situations it is likely that expressing some or all of our authentic feelings is just not acceptable.

So, a little boy brought-up hearing ‘Big boys don’t cry’ may have difficulty expressing sadness as an adult. But how does this work?

The existential position of infants is precarious indeed. They are dependent for everything they need on two adults who are enormous (6ft), highly functioning, (often) working together and who have the power to withdraw at any time. This withdrawal is perceived as ‘fatal’ to the infant.

Infants make decisions about how the World works based on little real-life information and, what’s more, they have few opportunities to reality-test their ideas. Older siblings, as well as younger ones, are a further complexity.

If I lose my favourite toy and, quite naturally, cry then I’m expressing an authentic sadness. But how will my parents respond? If they appear to move away (because maybe my constant feeling is getting too much around here) or tell me in a harsh voice to “Shut Up!” then the problem of the lost toy needs to be balanced against the existential dread of abandonment by my caregivers. I decide that expressing sadness could be ‘fatal’.

Later, the verbal message “Big boys don’t cry” would reinforce my earlier decision.

Anger is similarly often unacceptable in family situations.

Other feelings were allowed – Racket Feelings

Families have ways around not allowing themselves to do authentic feelings. There are usually inauthentic feelings that are allowed instead. In Transactional Analysis these are known as ‘racket feelings’.

Say my big brother is hitting me – then anger would be the authentic feeling and may well get the problem solved. However, the more I escalate my anger the more it seems to upset my parents and the more anxious they get.

So, anger is risky because it means my parents are unsupportive, distanced and troubled by it. What they show me though is that ‘anxiety’ is OK and, if I do anxiety, they seem to know what I’m about and give me a cuddle to soothe me.

The cuddle feels good, but that doesn’t stop my brother from hitting me. He hasn’t experienced me expressing my needs in a direct way and this problem remains unsolved.

If we fast forward to me experiencing bullying at work some twenty years later then you’d expect me to be angry at the office bully who pokes fun in the rest room. But my anger is disconnected, cut off. I don’t even seem to hold it as an option in the way some others might. My early decision to not feel anger (or risk a fatal abandonment) is still in effect. Instead I feel and show anxiety in the rest room, which doesn’t solve the problem.

It’s worth knowing that feelings of anger, sadness or fear can be racket feelings covering an authentic feeling. For example, if anger wasn’t allowed in the family but sadness was allowed, then we might cry when we are angered. This is indeed quite a common racket feeling response.

Getting help with feelings

Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that ‘dealing with feelings’, especially uncomfortable ones, means working with someone who is qualified to support you.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags anger, Anxiety, bullying, racket feelings

Understanding Ourselves

Saving ‘Feelings’ Stamps

The TA Model of ‘Psychological Trading Stamps’

Are you old enough to remember Green Shield stamps or Coop stamps? Each time we made a purchase in a certain shop, we were given a sticky stamp to stick in a savings book. When the book was full of stamps we could hand-in the full book to get a discount off our next purchase. They were a ‘loyalty’ idea before today’s electronic loyalty cards, where we save points instead.

The ‘savings stamps’ model can also be applied to our feelings. What we may do is save a stamp for a particular feeling, instead of expressing it.

So, someone may save ‘anger’ stamps rather than expressing their anger. Someone else may save ‘not heard’ stamps rather than feeling and expressing their sense of not being heard with e.g. “It’s like you couldn’t hear what I was saying in the meeting… what was happening for you when I was talking about…”

The difficulty comes when we have built up a collection of our familiar stamps. What to do with them? How to ‘cash them in’ to get rid of them?

Suppose I had a run-in with my manger today which invited feelings of anger. The feelings of anger indicate there is a problem here between us that needs to be fixed. Yet, instead of expressing that anger and negotiating a solution, I saved an ‘anger stamp’.

The ‘benefit’ of saving the stamp is that I coped, and didn’t fall out with my manager. This keeps things as they are between us rather than ‘upsetting the applecart’.

But now I have a stamp in my book. What I may do is ‘cash-in’ the stamp when I get home, getting cross with the cat for running in front of me, or taking it out on my partner for some minor ‘fault’. This gets rid of the ‘anger stamp’. But note the following two problems with this process;

I’ve damaged my relationship with my partner who may now feel confused or upset by my behaviour
I didn’t solve the initial problem that has arisen with my line-manager

Instead of ‘cashing in’ the anger stamp when I got home I could have kept it in my collection for later. This is a way to build quite a big collection. And I may be able to keep hold of this collection for years before ‘cashing it in’ in a spectacular rage with someone or something who, again, may well not be involved.

Remaining aware of our feelings, becoming aware of the information they are offering then expressing them is the effective way through. It moves us on in relationships where there is a problem, and maintains relationships which are not related to the problem.

Getting support with feelings

Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that expressing feelings, rather than saving them up, means working with someone who is qualified to support you.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags anger, feelings

Understanding Ourselves

The River of Feelings

This is an idea borrowed from Buddhism with a little help from Transactional Analysis.

Imagine standing by a river which is flowing from left to right.

On the left, feelings arise and come to the water’s surface, they flow past us then, somewhere to the right, they disappear in the stream. There is a constant flow of feelings arising, flowing by, then disappearing.

Our inner World of feelings is just like that.

Our feelings are like the weather. There is never a time without weather. The weather is never ‘gone’. Rather, it changes from one thing to another – A bright dawn, a raging storm, ‘heavy’ clouds, a clear night…

As we stand by the River of Feelings the water never ceases and feelings arise, flow by and disappear only to be replaced by the next feeling, and the next… This moment sadness, this moment boredom, this moment restless, this moment resigned, this moment cheerful…

Some weather is pleasant weather, some weather is harsh weather. And we use words like ‘good’ and ‘bad’. With feelings too, some feelings are easier to experience than others.

As we stand by the River of Feelings we can choose to;

Not look at the river, not look at the feelings flowing by, but instead look way across the river to the other bank or, even further, to the horizon (see 1. below)
Notice a particular feeling flowing by, get so ‘hooked’ by it we lose our footing and ‘dive in’ after the feeling (see 2. below)
Simply choose to ‘just observe’ the feelings flowing by. (see 3. below)

Are any of these three approaches to ‘doing’ our feelings familiar to you?

The River of Feelings – 1. Being Strong

If ‘doing’ feelings was something that wasn’t really ‘stroked’ when we were growing up it might be easiest not to look into the river too much. We may have learnt that –

Having feelings makes us weak
We should stay ‘in control’ of our feelings
If we show our feelings then it will make others feel bad
Our feelings would be overwhelming – like a genie, once they’re out of the bottle we’re in trouble.

If we have early-life decisions about ‘not feeling’ then feelings may start to ‘leak’ around the edges. These ‘leaks’ of feeling may show up –

By ‘somatisation’ – e.g. instead of feeling sad at losing someone close we may experience chest pain (‘feeling broken hearted’). Physical feelings can be more ‘acceptable’ to us.
When there is an enormous invitation to ‘feel’ e.g. losing a parent or being physically threatened, the invitation to ‘look into the river’ has a higher voltage and the feelings may ‘leak’.
When we’re more ‘off guard’ e.g. drifting into sleep, during dreams or as we awake.
When a highly-functioning individual arrives in therapy asking ‘Am I going mad?’

Putting feelings aside can be a useful coping strategy sometimes. If you are a paramedic who attends the scene of a road accident or a soldier who is injured in combat the most effective may through may be to suspend your most natural reactions to feel e.g. sickened or fearful. However, too much of this can be costly.

When we meet someone who has difficulty looking into the river of feelings we need to be with them compassionately. Early decisions about ‘not feeling’ are not easy for this person to override. ‘Beginning to feel’ may be a frightening experience.

However, there is a benefit to overcoming this and being able to observe the river of feelings as the feelings flow by – The information that each feeling offers us becomes available to inform our decisions and choices from moment to moment.

The River of Feelings – 2. Diving In

For those who are more aware of the River of Feelings flowing in front of them there is another way to lose the benefit of the information that our feelings are offering us – ‘diving in’ after the feelings and getting all tangled-up in them.

I get into work and see a colleague using my desk & chair. I feel ‘cheated’.

This is giving me some information about a resource I call ‘mine’ which ‘another’ appears to be denying me. Within this organisational structure a boundary has been crossed and, in order to continue in my role effectively, I need a resolution. The boundary gives us a clue that ‘cheated’ is a fancy flavour of small-to-medium size ‘angry’. An effective solution is to approach this colleague, ask what they need, state what I need and negotiate a solution. Something like; “Yes, of course it’s fine to make your call but I have to make a start so you’ll need to stand.”

However, suppose I have beliefs like “They always just take what they want” or “You can’t trust them”, this ‘cheated’ feeling may resonate with something very old. Perhaps I was the youngest sibling in a family where there wasn’t ever enough to go around.

I start to run with it. “This colleague confirms everything I knew about people… And I’ve a good mind to tell my boss, not that she’ll do anything, she’s as bad as the rest… if he hasn’t gone by the time I get back from the coffee machine I’ll…”

This feeling is only too clearly felt. I invite it into my whole being, I’m drowning in it. I’m clinging onto the ‘cheated’ feeling and being washed downstream. Importantly –

The information that the feeling offers me (about a boundary being crossed) is being missed. Instead, I’m using it to reinforce very generalised & outdated views of ‘how the World is’ and how I fit into it.
My thinking has been suspended – sure, my ‘cognitive process’ is running but real problem-solving from a rational place is ‘on hold’. So I’m less likely to get what I need, and less likely to see how good I am at fixing these sorts of situation.

When we meet someone who is drowning in the River of Feelings we need to be with them compassionately. Early decisions about ‘how the World is’ and ‘how I fit into it’ are not easy for this person to override. Beginning to think and feel at the same time may be very challenging.

The River of Feelings – 3. The Way Through – observing our feelings.

Standing by the River of Feelings and simply observing the feelings as they arise, flow past then disappear is the way through. Imagine watching the weather through the window. There’s no need to look away, or get all ‘caught up’ in what we see.

To experience at least the more weighty feelings then, if necessary, use the information that the feeling are offering is an effective way to be in the World.

Here’s some information that you may not know – We can Think and Feel at the same time. Just as we can watch the weather, and decide that the best course of action is to wear a warm coat, or hang out our laundry in the breeze. These are good decisions based on what we’re experiencing.

It is possible to experience a feeling and remain able to ‘think’ whilst it’s going on. Many people do this. By ‘thinking’ here we mean actual problem-solving, not just cognitive background.

It may take some practice to contact the majority of feelings as they flow by and use the information they offer. Mindfulness or relaxation techniques can help develop this skill.

Getting support with feelings

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags buddhism, feelings

Understanding Ourselves

Take the ‘Feelings 101’

Would you like to understand your feelings better? Perhaps you have questions like;

Why do I always end up feeling this way?
Why won’t this feeling just ‘go away’?
Why should I feel like this now? I’ve been it some tough situations, and they were no problem to me.
What’s the point of feeling bad? Don’t I just need to ‘snap out of it’ or ‘pull myself together’?
Am I going mad? I didn’t used to respond like this.
Will I ever feel better? I feel so hopeless.
Will I ever feel better? No one can bring back such a special person.

It may be that, back in our early family situations, ‘doing’ lots of feeling wasn’t especially welcome. And in many contemporary Western settings, bringing our feelings to situations with work colleagues, neighbours and community, friends or family may not be the most ‘acceptable’ way forward.

Yet our feelings are a natural internal response to our experiences and the circumstances we find ourselves in. Ignoring them or ‘pushing them away’ potentially misses the information they are offering about our current reality.

As we begin to understand, contact, explore and express our feelings we find that;

They’re a useful source of information
We’re less ‘on autopilot’ and respond more to here-and-now reality
We’re more aware of what we need
We take more care of ourselves
We’re more ‘in contact’ with other people
We’re able to be more spontaneous

This ‘Feelings 101’ or Introduction to Feelings is a number of pages that look at ideas like;

What our feelings are
Why we have feelings
What feelings mean
How our feelings work
How to get started, and do more with feelings
Why we have bad feelings
Why we have some bad feelings over and over
How we can have fewer of these recurring bad feelings

The articles link together. But clicking on the ‘Feelings 101’ logo will always bring you back to this start page.

A useful way to ‘take the Feelings 101’ is to read each article in order from this list below. However, each article is written to ‘stand alone’ and you might want to dip into the ones that seem most interesting.

Take the ‘Feelings 101’ and make a start with your feelings!

Getting support with feelings
Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that ‘dealing with feelings’, especially uncomfortable ones, means working with someone who is qualified to support you.
Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags anger, Anxiety, fear, feelings, Panic, sadness, TA, transactional analysis

Understanding Ourselves

Authentic Feelings – a great source of information

Post author By Richard
Post date January 17, 2014
No Comments on Authentic Feelings – a great source of information

Why have feelings? What’s the point? Feelings are natural reactions to real situations. They have a physical and a psychological impact. They are useful because they give us information about the situation we are it. Not having feelings would be to miss this useful (sometimes vital) information!

Somatic Feelings – information from our bodies
If I feel hunger, thirst or tiredness these are physiological responses to physical realities.
The realities are (in order) ‘my body needs food’, ‘my body needs water’ or ‘my body needs sleep’.
The same goes for feeling hot, shivering with cold or feeling poorly. The realities here are ‘my body is at too high a temperature’, ‘my body is at too low a temperature’ or ‘my body isn’t working as usual’.

These somatic feelings (e.g. ‘hunger’, ‘thirst’ and ‘tiredness’) are ways for our bodies to give us information about the immediate physical realities at that time.
We can then use our ‘thinking’ to change these physical realities e.g. by getting food, water or sleep. Or by turning down the heating, pulling on a jumper or seeing our GP.
In short, these somatic feelings are providing us with useful information that we can use. Let me emphasise that last point – the information we are getting from these feelings is something we can take into account as we do something different.
Without the feelings we would starve, dehydrate or burn out etc. without getting to know in advance that it was about to happen.

Authentic Feelings – a source of information.
If I’m walking in the jungle and a leopard appears I may feel fear.
If I’m awoken in my hotel room by loud music from next door then I may feel anger.
If my best friend said ‘Goodbye’ last week I may feel sad.

Notice how these feelings also have physiological components e.g. racing heart, tense muscles and tearful eyes. Our physiology for these feelings also includes hormonal activity.

So, by comparison with the somatic feelings, what information are these feelings providing?

Fear – tells us that there is a problem in the immediate future that we don’t yet have a solution for (e.g. the leopard).
Anger – tells us that there is a problem in the present which we don’t yet have a solution for (e.g. the noise).
Sadness – tells us that there is a problem in the recent past that we don’t yet have a solution for (e.g. the loss of our friend).

So, these feelings are hormonal and physical internal reactions and point to unresolved problems just as with somatic feelings. Again, our feelings are giving us information.
Just as with the somatic ‘bad’ feelings (e.g. hunger) these ‘bad’ feelings (e.g. sadness) tend to highlight some external circumstance that is, to some degree or other, causing an external stress.
And, just as with the somatic feelings, we can use thinking to find a way to solve the problem (e.g. shoot the leopard, tell the person in the street that we need them to be more careful, Skype or replace our friend).

In Transactional Analysis these three ‘bad’ feelings (Fear, Anger, Sadness) along with Joy are described as ‘authentic’.

Expressing Authentic Feelings finishes them.

Expressing authentic feelings is a very ‘clean’ process. As we feel the sadness of losing our friend, naturally cry, and ‘hear’ the information, the loss, that the feeling is offering to us, the feeling soon passes. There is a sense of completeness and ease, with no ‘aftershocks’ or ‘rumblings’. When authentic feelings are expressed, they are done with. And we can get on and use the information they offered to us – like Skyping our friend.

The same is true of an authentic expression of anger. If I really allow the feelings of anger when I’m awoken in the night I ‘hear’ my urge to be attacking and to ‘make them change’. Using thinking, I decide the most effective solution is to ‘phone reception and express assertively just how much I need my neighbour to ‘turn it down’. Having allowed this anger, it is complete. It doesn’t rumble on or come back in waves. I get back to sleep.

Other feelings are not so ‘Authentic’
Having feelings like ‘panic’, ‘guilty’ or ‘feeling invisible’ or ‘frustrated’ isn’t so straightforward. They are certainly real feelings in the sense that they may come as a strong reaction to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
But when we consider the information they offer it doesn’t seem so clear. And, these feelings have a tendency to recur, or just ‘rumble on’ after the event that triggers them.
In TA, these feelings are considered to be inauthentic, or ‘racket’ feelings, quite unlike the four authentic feelings of joy, sadness, anger and fear.

Tags anger, authentic feelings, fear, feelings, Panic, racket feelings, sadness, TA

Understanding Ourselves

Dealing with Panic

Having a panic attack is certainly a frightening experience and may leave you wondering ‘what’s wrong with me?’ ‘Am I ill?’ ‘Am I going mad?’

A useful, four-fold approach to dealing with panic is;

Clarification
Normalisation
Coping
Exploration

This approach is something to work with when you are not panicking, when you are able to think clearly and rationalise the panic experiences you have had.

Clarification

Begin with basic questions and answers regarding your panic experience. During a panic attack you may well believe that you are ‘about to die’ or are ‘going mad’. But, now you are able to reflect calmly on your experience of panic, take a look at this useful NHS resource; NHS Panic Resource

Does the duration of 5 to 20 minutes match with your experience?
Did the physical symptoms of panic described match with your experience?
When you read the criteria regarding seeking medical advice, did they apply to your panic experience?

The article describes well the intense psychological symptoms, their sudden appearance and their frightening impact. But it also reassures that they aren’t dangerous, they don’t result in physical harm and are unlikely to require a hospital admission.

Normalisation

Your experience of panic involved some very intense physical and psychological symptoms and there is a natural tendency to infer from these that you’re experiencing something extraordinary. Indeed, as far as your general range of personal experiences go, the symptoms are extraordinary.

However, across the population, at least one in ten people experiences occasional panic attacks and around 1% (or, in the UK, half a million of us) experience worrying, recurrent and unexpected panic.

During your attack you may feel very alone and detached – but calmly viewed across the population you are in good company. This is why there are so many resources out there.

As well as the NHS site above, it’s certainly worth reading what MIND, Rethink and AnxietyUK have to say.

Coping Strategies – 1. Avoiding Attacks

The NHS guidance points to a number of ways to avoid panicking. These are about eating regular meals which stabilise blood-sugar levels and avoiding those powerful psychotropic drugs we so often rely on – caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

The guidance also points to ‘relaxation techniques’ e.g. yoga and meditation which benefit us is many ways, including by reducing our general level of arousal. These are most effective when practiced regularly and built into a lifestyle in a way that you experience as enjoyable.

Coping Strategies – 2. When Panic Strikes

The two main ideas about dealing with panic as it is happening are ‘controlled breathing’ and ‘relaxation techniques’. These are detailed well by the NHS and AnxietyUK and many people find that they have some use, even if they are not completely effective.

Exploration

Exploration is really about beginning to get to grips with the underlying causes of your panic experiences and beginning to work with them therapeutically. Here are some ways to begin to explore;

During panic we often have an urge to literally run away from the people, place or situation we find ourselves in. Do you have a sense of which place, people or situations invite panic?

Perhaps keeping a log of where you were, who you were with and what you were doing would be helpful in finding common environmental ‘triggers’ for your panic?

Is Work an Endless Stuggle?

Post author By Richard
Post date January 7, 2014
No Comments on Is Work an Endless Stuggle?

Is the Endless Struggle of Work or Life causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to ‘Just Do It’.

Perhaps you have values around patience, persistence and determination? Your ability to identify problems and your enthusiasm that they should be solved, your appreciation of all the ramifications and your readiness to volunteer have given you a reputation for getting new and exciting projects off the ground.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like ‘Don’t be satisfied’, ‘Don’t relax’, ‘Keep Trying’ or ‘Don’t succeed’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. Patience, Struggling On) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

Never seemed to be fully relaxed
Couldn’t decide
Took on new projects or new responsibilities but seemed to run out of time
Seemed to get involved in struggles with family, friends, neighbours or the ‘other team’
Set standards for themselves based on their view of others

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If the endless struggle of ‘trying harder’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Try Harder and Harder’ all the time, and endless persistence may not bring the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by deciding what to do based on a realistic assessment of your resources, then just doing it (i.e. so it’s finished & done).

Some Challenges

How would it be to check that you want to do something (enjoying the process) rather than just wanting the outcome?

How would it be to check that you want to do something (enjoying the process) rather than that you ‘ought to’ be doing it?

Before you take on some extra work or responsibility how would it be to check that you can complete your whole workload package? Is completion still realistic? Or will something now be left unfinished?

Can you develop an awareness of the things you can change and the things that you can’t? Don’t persist in ‘trying hard’ to change the unchangeable.

Can you be accepting of The World as it is rather than as it ‘should be’? Some useful information – This World, as it is now, is the only one you are able to operate in.

If you’re a social worker, a teacher or a mental health professional, thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to reading a book, decorating the kitchen or sorting your finances? It’s quite possible to complete all these things so, if you want to do them and have the resources, just do them (i.e. start, persist, clarify with others if necessary, then complete).

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘decide what to do that’s doable, then just complete it’ revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags TA, TA drivers, try hard, work issues

Understanding Ourselves

Is ‘Keeping Calm and Carrying On’ causing you stress?

Post author By Richard
Post date January 7, 2014
No Comments on Is ‘Keeping Calm and Carrying On’ causing you stress?

Is ‘Keeping Calm and Carrying On’ causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to have feelings, use them as information, and say what you need.

Perhaps you have values around ‘toughing it out’, staying emotionally detached to deal with highly emotional situations, being able to take ‘unpleasant decisions and never having a day off sick. Your reliability and toughness have given you a reputation at work which makes you great to be with in a crisis.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like ‘Don’t give in’, ‘Don’t ask for help’ or ‘Don’t show your feelings’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. bravery, toughness, not showing our emotions) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

Toughed in out – had made their bed & lay in it – never took a day off sick
Expressed little emotion
Was uncomfortable, or reacted harshly, when others expressed their emotions.
Stayed calm under pressure.

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘keeping calm and carrying on’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Be Strong’ all the time. Feelings (our own and others’) give us information about our current situation, and ignoring this information may not bring the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by allowing ourselves to feel. This ‘feelings information’ can be used along with all the other information we have about a situation to ask for what we need.

Some Challenges

How would it be to ask others to help occasionally? It’s not a weakness, it builds relationships.

Do you take regular meal breaks? Get enough water? Can you take time off to heal when you’re unwell? Bodily feelings like hunger and tiredness are a great place to start.

Can you ‘be there’ for someone close when they are upset? Just listen and say back what you hear (“that sounds like a tough day”). They’re not ‘being weak’, they’re giving information about what their situation is like for them.

If you are a police officer or paramedic who attends traumatic situations thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to skipping lunch, or to a family crisis (when accounting for feelings would increase effectiveness). Or, to moving a heavy sofa (when asking for help would increase your effectiveness).

Making Changes

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘do feelings’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags be strong, TA, TA drivers, work issues

Understanding Ourselves

Is ‘Cramming Lots In’ causing you stress?

Post author By Richard
Post date January 7, 2014
No Comments on Is ‘Cramming Lots In’ causing you stress?

Is your ‘Race to Fit it All In’ causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to take your time.

Perhaps you have values around speed, efficiency and responsiveness? The way you seem to ‘enjoy’ having too much to do, your positive response to short deadlines and your energy peaks under pressure have given you a reputation within your organisation.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like ‘Don’t take long’, ‘Don’t waste time’, ‘Don’t relax’ or ‘Don’t think’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. keeping up, speed, efficiency) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

Needed you to keep up with them or another family member
Arrived late, or needed to leave early
Seemed like a ‘ship that passed in the night’
Fidgeted, spoke quickly or finished your sentences for you.
Made mistakes in the detail

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘Hurrying Up’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Hurry Up’ all the time, and this constant rush may not bring the most effective outcomes. In most cases effectiveness is maximised by allowing yourself to ‘Take Time’.

Some Challenges

How would it be to make a ‘to do’ list of essentials only, create an undemanding schedule and stick to it

How would it be to speak slowly and allow others to finish what they’re saying

Can you take some time to just ‘be’, just sit with someone, or to express to someone how much you value them?

Can you be on time by not waiting to the last minute, or by not cramming in one more thing before you leave?

Making Changes

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘take your time’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags hurry up, TA, TA drivers, work issues

Understanding Ourselves

Is saying ‘Yes’ when you mean ‘No’ causing you stress?

Post author By Richard
Post date January 7, 2014
No Comments on Is saying ‘Yes’ when you mean ‘No’ causing you stress?

Is always saying ‘Yes’ at work causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – You’re OK to ‘Please Yourself’.

Perhaps you have values around being kind, providing a great service or not ‘making people feel bad?’ Because you enjoy harmony rather than conflict at work and seem to always know what people need you have a reputation as a great team player who brings the whole squad together.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like ‘What I need isn’t important’, ‘I’m not important’ or ‘Don’t say “No”’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. kindness, consideration, making sure we all feel fine) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

Avoided conflict
Was reluctant to say “No” if it might not go down very well
Wanted us all to feel OK together
Guessed what other people would need, and seemed to do this quite accurately
Put others first, and expected you to put others first

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘saying “Yes” when you want to say “No”’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Please Others’ all the time, and looking after everyone else without attending to your own needs may not bring you the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by listening to others and responding to what they are actually saying they want (rather than what you believe they want). The nature of this response is negotiation based on their stated needs and your own. So ‘Pleasing Yourself’ is not a selfish ‘getting it all our own way’ – it’s a negotiated outcome that includes our own needs and accounts for their importance.

Some Challenges

How would it be to listen to others carefully and respond to what they are saying they want rather than to your guess of what they want?

How would it be to not be so ‘nice’? Can you say what you believe without intending to punish or hurt the other?

If others imply or appear to think that you’re not important or that your needs are not important then this is not accurate. How might you be inviting them to think this? Suppose you took on the same stance and tone of voice as your GP or dentist, holding your head in the same way as they do – how would others respond to you then? Can you develop a sense of your own value and autonomy?

If you work in retail, on reception or a helpline thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to deciding your Christmas schedule or to negotiating with your builder? Your needs are important and Pleasing Yourself (i.e. negotiating an outcome in which your needs are included) is fine.

Making Changes

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘Please Yourself’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags please others, TA, TA drivers, work issues