Category: Understanding Ourselves

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Understanding Ourselves

Dealing with Panic

Having a panic attack is certainly a frightening experience and may leave you wondering ‘what’s wrong with me?’ ‘Am I ill?’ ‘Am I going mad?’ 

A useful, four-fold approach to dealing with panic is;

  • Clarification
  • Normalisation
  • Coping
  • Exploration

This approach is something to work with when you are not panicking, when you are able to think clearly and rationalise the panic experiences you have had.

Clarification

Begin with basic questions and answers regarding your panic experience. During a panic attack you may well believe that you are ‘about to die’ or are ‘going mad’. But, now you are able to reflect calmly on your experience of panic, take a look at this useful NHS resource; NHS Panic Resource 

  • Does the duration of 5 to 20 minutes match with your experience?
  • Did the physical symptoms of panic described match with your experience?
  • When you read the criteria regarding seeking medical advice, did they apply to your panic experience?

The article describes well the intense psychological symptoms, their sudden appearance and their frightening impact. But it also reassures that they aren’t dangerous, they don’t result in physical harm and are unlikely to require a hospital admission.

Normalisation

Your experience of panic involved some very intense physical and psychological symptoms and there is a natural tendency to infer from these that you’re experiencing something extraordinary. Indeed, as far as your general range of personal experiences go, the symptoms are extraordinary.

However, across the population, at least one in ten people experiences occasional panic attacks and around 1% (or, in the UK, half a million of us) experience worrying, recurrent and unexpected panic.

During your attack you may feel very alone and detached – but calmly viewed across the population you are in good company. This is why there are so many resources out there.

As well as the NHS site above, it’s certainly worth reading what MIND, Rethink and AnxietyUK have to say.

Coping Strategies – 1. Avoiding Attacks

The NHS guidance points to a number of ways to avoid panicking. These are about eating regular meals which stabilise blood-sugar levels and avoiding those powerful psychotropic drugs we so often rely on – caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

The guidance also points to ‘relaxation techniques’ e.g. yoga and meditation which benefit us is many ways, including by reducing our general level of arousal. These are most effective when practiced regularly and built into a lifestyle in a way that you experience as enjoyable.

Coping Strategies – 2. When Panic Strikes

The two main ideas about dealing with panic as it is happening are ‘controlled breathing’ and ‘relaxation techniques’. These are detailed well by the NHS and AnxietyUK and many people find that they have some use, even if they are not completely effective.

Exploration

Exploration is really about beginning to get to grips with the underlying causes of your panic experiences and beginning to work with them therapeutically. Here are some ways to begin to explore;

During panic we often have an urge to literally run away from the people, place or situation we find ourselves in. Do you have a sense of which place, people or situations invite panic?

Perhaps keeping a log of where you were, who you were with and what you were doing would be helpful in finding common environmental ‘triggers’ for your panic?

Other exploratory questions;

  • When you are panicking what do you have the urge to do?
  • What do you have the urge to stop doing?
  • Do you want to run to a particular place?
  • Do you have the urge to be with someone in particular?
  • Do you have the urge to be alone?
  • Where would you want to be, ideally, with this panic?
  • Who would you want with you, ideally, at that time?
  • When was the first time you can remember panicking in this way?

Take the Feelings 101

Getting Support with Panic

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. An experienced counsellor or psychotherapist will have met panic reactions many times before and be ready to be with you as you continue this exploration. Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Is Work an Endless Stuggle?

Is the Endless Struggle of Work or Life causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to ‘Just Do It’. 

Perhaps you have values around patience, persistence and determination? Your ability to identify problems and your enthusiasm that they should be solved, your appreciation of all the ramifications and your readiness to volunteer have given you a reputation for getting new and exciting projects off the ground.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like  ‘Don’t be satisfied’, ‘Don’t relax’, ‘Keep Trying’ or ‘Don’t succeed’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. Patience, Struggling On) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

  • Never seemed to be fully relaxed
  • Couldn’t decide
  • Took on new projects or new responsibilities but seemed to run out of time
  • Seemed to get involved in struggles with family, friends, neighbours or the ‘other team’
  • Set standards for themselves based on their view of others

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If the endless struggle of ‘trying harder’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Try Harder and Harder’ all the time, and endless persistence may not bring the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by deciding what to do based on a realistic assessment of your resources, then just doing it (i.e. so it’s finished & done).

Some Challenges

How would it be to check that you want to do something (enjoying the process) rather than just wanting the outcome?

How would it be to check that you want to do something (enjoying the process) rather than that you ‘ought to’ be doing it?

Before you take on some extra work or responsibility how would it be to check that you can complete your whole workload package? Is completion still realistic? Or will something now be left unfinished?

Can you develop an awareness of the things you can change and the things that you can’t? Don’t persist in ‘trying hard’ to change the unchangeable.

Can you be accepting of The World as it is rather than as it ‘should be’? Some useful information – This World, as it is now, is the only one you are able to operate in.

If you’re a social worker, a teacher or a mental health professional, thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to reading a book, decorating the kitchen or sorting your finances? It’s quite possible to complete all these things so, if you want to do them and have the resources, just do them (i.e. start, persist, clarify with others if necessary, then complete).

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘decide what to do that’s doable, then just complete it’ revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Is ‘Keeping Calm and Carrying On’ causing you stress?

Is ‘Keeping Calm and Carrying On’ causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to have feelings, use them as information, and say what you need.

Perhaps you have values around ‘toughing it out’, staying emotionally detached to deal with highly emotional situations, being able to take ‘unpleasant decisions and never having a day off sick. Your reliability and toughness have given you a reputation at work which makes you great to be with in a crisis.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like  ‘Don’t give in’, ‘Don’t ask for help’ or ‘Don’t show your feelings’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. bravery, toughness, not showing our emotions) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

  • Toughed in out – had made their bed & lay in it – never took a day off sick
  • Expressed little emotion
  • Was uncomfortable, or reacted harshly, when others expressed their emotions.
  • Stayed calm under pressure.

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘keeping calm and carrying on’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Be Strong’ all the time. Feelings (our own and others’) give us information about our current situation, and ignoring this information may not bring the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by allowing ourselves to feel. This ‘feelings information’ can be used along with all the other information we have about a situation to ask for what we need.

Some Challenges

How would it be to ask others to help occasionally? It’s not a weakness, it builds relationships.

Do you take regular meal breaks? Get enough water? Can you take time off to heal when you’re unwell? Bodily feelings like hunger and tiredness are a great place to start.

Can you ‘be there’ for someone close when they are upset? Just listen and say back what you hear (“that sounds like a tough day”). They’re not ‘being weak’, they’re giving information about what their situation is like for them.

If you are a police officer or paramedic who attends traumatic situations thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to skipping lunch, or to a family crisis (when accounting for feelings would increase effectiveness). Or, to moving a heavy sofa (when asking for help would increase your effectiveness).

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘do feelings’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Is ‘Cramming Lots In’ causing you stress?

Is your ‘Race to Fit it All In’ causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It’s OK to take your time.

Perhaps you have values around speed, efficiency and responsiveness? The way you seem to ‘enjoy’ having too much to do, your positive response to short deadlines and your energy peaks under pressure have given you a reputation within your organisation.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like  ‘Don’t take long’, ‘Don’t waste time’, ‘Don’t relax’ or ‘Don’t think’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. keeping up, speed, efficiency) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

  • Needed you to keep up with them or another family member
  • Arrived late, or needed to leave early
  • Seemed like a ‘ship that passed in the night’
  • Fidgeted, spoke quickly or finished your sentences for you.
  • Made mistakes in the detail

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘Hurrying Up’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Hurry Up’ all the time, and this constant rush may not bring the most effective outcomes. In most cases effectiveness is maximised by allowing yourself to ‘Take Time’.

Some Challenges

How would it be to make a ‘to do’ list of essentials only, create an undemanding schedule and stick to it

How would it be to speak slowly and allow others to finish what they’re saying

Can you take some time to just ‘be’, just sit with someone, or to express to someone how much you value them?

Can you be on time by not waiting to the last minute, or by not cramming in one more thing before you leave?

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘take your time’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Is saying ‘Yes’ when you mean ‘No’ causing you stress?

Is always saying ‘Yes’ at work causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – You’re OK to ‘Please Yourself’.

Perhaps you have values around being kind, providing a great service or not ‘making people feel bad?’ Because you enjoy harmony rather than conflict at work and seem to always know what people need you have a reputation as a great team player who brings the whole squad together.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like  ‘What I need isn’t important’, ‘I’m not important’ or ‘Don’t say “No”’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. kindness, consideration, making sure we all feel fine) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

  • Avoided conflict
  • Was reluctant to say “No” if it might not go down very well
  • Wanted us all to feel OK together
  • Guessed what other people would need, and seemed to do this quite accurately
  • Put others first, and expected you to put others first

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘saying “Yes” when you want to say “No”’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Please Others’ all the time, and looking after everyone else without attending to your own needs may not bring you the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by listening to others and responding to what they are actually saying they want (rather than what you believe they want). The nature of this response is negotiation based on their stated needs and your own. So ‘Pleasing Yourself’ is not a selfish ‘getting it all our own way’ – it’s a negotiated outcome that includes our own needs and accounts for their importance.

Some Challenges

How would it be to listen to others carefully and respond to what they are saying they want rather than to your guess of what they want?

How would it be to not be so ‘nice’? Can you say what you believe without intending to punish or hurt the other?

If others imply or appear to think that you’re not important or that your needs are not important then this is not accurate. How might you be inviting them to think this? Suppose you took on the same stance and tone of voice as your GP or dentist, holding your head in the same way as they do – how would others respond to you then? Can you develop a sense of your own value and autonomy?

If you work in retail, on reception or a helpline thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to deciding your Christmas schedule or to negotiating with your builder? Your needs are important and Pleasing Yourself (i.e. negotiating an outcome in which your needs are included) is fine.

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘Please Yourself’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Is your ‘Quest for Perfection’ causing you stress?

Is your Quest for Perfection causing Stress? – Here’s some information that will help – It only has to be ‘good enough’.

Perhaps you have values around getting it right, first time, every time? Your preparedness, the way you check facts and pay attention to detail  has given you a reputation for work which is reliable and accurate.

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like  ‘Don’t make a mistake’, ‘Get it right’ or ‘Don’t take risks’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. achievement, autonomy, success, being right) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Do you have an idea of who this parent figure might have been? Who was it who –

  • Needed it done in a certain way or to a certain standard
  • Was always right
  • Was conscientious and worked long hours
  • Expected you to be successful, to achieve, perhaps like themselves

Being ‘OK’ around this parent figure may well have been a useful strategy for receiving ‘positive strokes’, avoiding criticism, or even staying safe. But those days are gone. If ‘getting it right, first time every time’ is causing you internal pain then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for.

It’s really hard on yourself to expect to ‘Be Perfect’ all the time, and total perfection may not bring the most effective outcome.

In most cases effectiveness is maximised by allowing yourself or your work to be ‘good enough’ for the situation at hand.

Some Challenging Ideas

How would it be to issue a draft report and hear people’s feedback before it’s finished? It only needs to be ‘good enough’ and your colleagues may feel more involved.

Do you know that other people may not share your values? Are you able to appreciate these differences? These people want to be in a team with you!

Can you become more aware of any tendency to be self-righteous or to react to people like a cross parent?

Are you able to make apologies to others? (i.e. imply that ‘I was wrong’). You’re still a good enough person, even if you got something ‘wrong’.

If you’re a surgeon, an accountant or pilot, thank you for bringing your values to work. But do you need to bring them to preparing a meal, writing a birthday card or working in the garden? These things only need to be ‘good enough’.

How about laughing at yourself occasionally? (You see, there’s a bit of each of us that’s funny).

Making Changes

For a more complete picture of what your ‘driver behaviours’ might be, take a look at my page entitled ‘Experiencing Stress at Work?‘ and complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ which is available there.

If you start experiencing something uncomfortable when you allow yourself to ‘get away with good enough’ then revert back to your values for a while.

Everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that going against these old ‘internal messages’ means some deeper work.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Experiencing Stress at Work?

Stress at Work? – Here’s some information that will help – As a human being your resources are not infinite, they are finite.

My guess is that, if we were at work together, I’d be admiring your values right now.

Your great attention to detail maybe? Your amazing patience or stamina? Perhaps it would be your constant efficiency or kindness?

These values are positive. They may have got you this great career and, if you have enough energy to keep them up, that’s fine.

As a therapist though I know that each of these worthy values comes with some ‘internal messages’ like (in the same order as above) ‘Don’t make a mistake’, ’Keep trying’, ‘Don’t show your feelings’ , ‘Don’t waste time’ or ‘Don’t say “No”’.

These internal messages are quite demanding and can result in internal pain or internal stress (You may have external stresses too like a new team, a new manager, a new home or a recent loss).

In our early family taking these values very seriously (e.g. achievement, strength) was likely to have been a way to stay ‘OK’ around a parent-figure. This parent-figure may have even modelled the values themselves.

Those days are gone. If you’re experiencing internal pain by holding onto these values so tightly, by complying with the internal messages so strictly, then things need to change.

As human beings our resources are limited and this limitation needs to be accounted for. It’s really hard on yourself to expect to comply with these tough internal messages 100% of the time. It’s hurting you.

Here’s what to do;

  • Download, print & complete the ‘Driver Questionnaire’ to get an idea for which groups of messages or ‘Drivers’ are contributing to your internal stress.
  • For each of the Drivers that are significant for you read the relevant blog post to get further information. Are you;

Being Perfect – The Quest for Perfection

Aiming to Please – Saying ‘Yes’ when we mean ‘No’

Hurrying Up – Rushing and Cramming Lots In

Being Strong – Keeping Calm and Carrying On

Trying Hard – The Endless Struggle

Getting Help with Stress at Work

If your stress is resulting in physical symptoms such as palpitations, dizziness, diarrhoea, vomiting, skin rashes etc. then get an appointment with your GP to talk about this.

Using this blog as a ‘self-help’ guide is a great way to get started on the underlying issues. In fact, for clients who present at my therapy practice with ‘stress’ the driver questionnaire is often where we begin our work.

However, everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms.  It may be that making a change involves going against these old ‘internal messages’ and at that point ‘self-help’ tends to run out of steam.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

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Understanding Ourselves

Approaches to TA

There are several key approaches to TA which together form the majority of theories and models used in TA Psychotherapy and Counselling;

The Classical School
This is the earliest view of TA as developed by Eric Berne and his immediate associates such as Steiner, Karpman, Ernst & English. Key TA concepts such as egos states, ego state contamination & exclusion, games, life script and contracting were all established by this pioneering group.

Integrative TA
In this approach to TA psychotherapy, the therapeutic relationship is valued as a way for our client to have new and satisfying experiences which can be integrated as part of themselves. The script system (or racket system) is a key concept as are attunement, relational needs and interpersonal contact.
Key figures in the development of integrative TA were Erskine, Trautmann & Moursund.

Relational TA
Since the early 1990’s TA theories which consider the impact and analysis of subconscious processes in the therapy have developed alongside modern psychoanalytic ideas. These TA theories include a model of child development which details the influence of the earliest interactions between infant and caregivers. Key names; Cornell, Hargaden, Sills, Stark & Novellino.

The Redecision School
Bob & Mary Golding took ideas from Gestalt Therapy and integrated them into core TA theory. Their key concepts were early decision & redecision, injunctions and impasse theory.

The Cathexis School
Some key TA theories developed out of work done by the Schiff’s on the area of developmental deficits. These are the powerful ideas of symbiosis, redefining, passivity, discounting & grandiosity.

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Understanding Ourselves

Introducing Transactional Analysis

Transactional Analysis (or TA) is a theory of personality and communication, a set of models which describes how people are made-up, and how they behave, psychologically.

Many of TA’s key ideas were developed by Eric Berne in the 1960’s and these continue to be developed today. TA contains many models which together describe child development, how we maintain our childhood patterns in adult relationships, how we communicate and work together in groups & organisations and how we can grow and change beyond our early-life scripting.

Traditionally, TA is considered to extend to 4 ‘fields’ – psychotherapy, counselling, organisational and educational. However, skills in TA can be brought into creating and maintaining effective relationships in many professions such as policing, social work, mediation – anywhere, in fact, where we need to understand and communicate with individuals. We find too that as our knowledge and skills in TA grow we are building more satisfying relationships with our friends, family and children.

 

There are three philosophical assumptions of TA;

People Are OK – You and I have an intrinsic worth, an internal unchanging dignity and value which each of us may recognise in the other. Neither of us is one-up on the other, nor are we one-down and this remains true no matter what we have done or what we have been told is right or wrong. In TA we say ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ which is a simple expression of a deeply held humanistic stance.

Everyone has the capacity to think – Which means that each of us is responsible for choosing what we need, what we do and what life will be like. This ‘thinking’ is the clear, informed, probability-based problem-solving that gets things decided, clarified and completed.

People make their own decisions and all decisions can be changed, no matter how early in life they were made – As young children, we make decisions based on how to best survive in a world dominated by our family setting. Yet these decisions are based on an incomplete view of how the world works and they’re hard to ‘reality-test’. As adults, when we follow strategies based on these early decisions our behaviours can feel dissatisfying or even self-defeating. But we can change. After gaining insight into those old patterns, those old decisions, we can make new ones which invite more effective ways of relating and being in the world.

Based on these three assumptions there are two basic principles of TA;

Using Contracts – When we work together we each take responsibility for what it is we are seeking to achieve.

Open Communication – Both client and practitioner have full information about what is happening in their work. To help with this TA keeps language simple and ideas easy to share.

 

How the TA World is organised

TA has an international structure. The content of TA’s introductory course (TA101) is set by The International TA Association (ITAA) and the European Association for Transactional Analysis (EATA) plays a role in governing more advanced qualifications.

In the UK, The United Kingdom Association Of Transactional Analysis (UKATA) is our national body and organises conferences & examinations as well as publishing the Transactional Analysis Journal (TAJ).