Tag: Anxiety

Looking more closely at ‘Can’t’

Post author By Richard
Post date February 10, 2014
No Comments on Looking more closely at ‘Can’t’

Let’s suppose I’m really scared about that presentation at the team meeting. When discussing my difficulties with making the presentation it’s tempting to say “I can’t do it, I just can’t…”

My performance at the meeting may be a source of real worry. Here’s an idea that can move things on a little. It’s not, by itself, a complete way through, but it does reframe the problem in a way a therapist may approach it.

Is it possible to contact two different parts of an ongoing dialogue;

One part that says “I really have to/need to/should do that presentation”
One part that says “I fear scared”

No wonder this presentation is taking up so much psychic energy! There’s a really tiring battle going on between these two parts of me.

Now ‘can’t’ implies that something isn’t possible. Here is a list of the types of people who really would find it impossible, who really can’t do the presentation at your team meeting;

People who have had extensive throat surgery (and are left with no voice)
People half way around the World (because they wouldn’t be able to get there in time)
People on life support….

…OK, you get the idea. It’s more accurate to say “When I have a presentation to give, a part of me feels scare” than “I can’t do a presentation”. Of course this isn’t a complete way through the problem, but it begins to get some accuracy about what’s going on.

If there are two parts of you battling with a ‘can’t’ then each of them really needs to be heard in full. That way you can begin to work towards a resolution.

Getting support with feelings

Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that resolving the conflict between these two parts of yourself means working with someone who is qualified to support you.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags Anxiety, worry

Understanding Ourselves

Feelings in our Early Family

Post author By Richard
Post date January 29, 2014
No Comments on Feelings in our Early Family

Some authentic feelings may have been forbidden in early family life. Other feelings (or ‘Racket Feelings’) may have been allowed as replacements for the ones that weren’t allowed.

Some feelings were forbidden

In family situations it is likely that expressing some or all of our authentic feelings is just not acceptable.

So, a little boy brought-up hearing ‘Big boys don’t cry’ may have difficulty expressing sadness as an adult. But how does this work?

The existential position of infants is precarious indeed. They are dependent for everything they need on two adults who are enormous (6ft), highly functioning, (often) working together and who have the power to withdraw at any time. This withdrawal is perceived as ‘fatal’ to the infant.

Infants make decisions about how the World works based on little real-life information and, what’s more, they have few opportunities to reality-test their ideas. Older siblings, as well as younger ones, are a further complexity.

If I lose my favourite toy and, quite naturally, cry then I’m expressing an authentic sadness. But how will my parents respond? If they appear to move away (because maybe my constant feeling is getting too much around here) or tell me in a harsh voice to “Shut Up!” then the problem of the lost toy needs to be balanced against the existential dread of abandonment by my caregivers. I decide that expressing sadness could be ‘fatal’.

Later, the verbal message “Big boys don’t cry” would reinforce my earlier decision.

Anger is similarly often unacceptable in family situations.

Other feelings were allowed – Racket Feelings

Families have ways around not allowing themselves to do authentic feelings. There are usually inauthentic feelings that are allowed instead. In Transactional Analysis these are known as ‘racket feelings’.

Say my big brother is hitting me – then anger would be the authentic feeling and may well get the problem solved. However, the more I escalate my anger the more it seems to upset my parents and the more anxious they get.

So, anger is risky because it means my parents are unsupportive, distanced and troubled by it. What they show me though is that ‘anxiety’ is OK and, if I do anxiety, they seem to know what I’m about and give me a cuddle to soothe me.

The cuddle feels good, but that doesn’t stop my brother from hitting me. He hasn’t experienced me expressing my needs in a direct way and this problem remains unsolved.

If we fast forward to me experiencing bullying at work some twenty years later then you’d expect me to be angry at the office bully who pokes fun in the rest room. But my anger is disconnected, cut off. I don’t even seem to hold it as an option in the way some others might. My early decision to not feel anger (or risk a fatal abandonment) is still in effect. Instead I feel and show anxiety in the rest room, which doesn’t solve the problem.

It’s worth knowing that feelings of anger, sadness or fear can be racket feelings covering an authentic feeling. For example, if anger wasn’t allowed in the family but sadness was allowed, then we might cry when we are angered. This is indeed quite a common racket feeling response.

Getting help with feelings

Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that ‘dealing with feelings’, especially uncomfortable ones, means working with someone who is qualified to support you.

Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags anger, Anxiety, bullying, racket feelings

Understanding Ourselves

Take the ‘Feelings 101’

Would you like to understand your feelings better? Perhaps you have questions like;

Why do I always end up feeling this way?
Why won’t this feeling just ‘go away’?
Why should I feel like this now? I’ve been it some tough situations, and they were no problem to me.
What’s the point of feeling bad? Don’t I just need to ‘snap out of it’ or ‘pull myself together’?
Am I going mad? I didn’t used to respond like this.
Will I ever feel better? I feel so hopeless.
Will I ever feel better? No one can bring back such a special person.

It may be that, back in our early family situations, ‘doing’ lots of feeling wasn’t especially welcome. And in many contemporary Western settings, bringing our feelings to situations with work colleagues, neighbours and community, friends or family may not be the most ‘acceptable’ way forward.

Yet our feelings are a natural internal response to our experiences and the circumstances we find ourselves in. Ignoring them or ‘pushing them away’ potentially misses the information they are offering about our current reality.

As we begin to understand, contact, explore and express our feelings we find that;

They’re a useful source of information
We’re less ‘on autopilot’ and respond more to here-and-now reality
We’re more aware of what we need
We take more care of ourselves
We’re more ‘in contact’ with other people
We’re able to be more spontaneous

This ‘Feelings 101’ or Introduction to Feelings is a number of pages that look at ideas like;

What our feelings are
Why we have feelings
What feelings mean
How our feelings work
How to get started, and do more with feelings
Why we have bad feelings
Why we have some bad feelings over and over
How we can have fewer of these recurring bad feelings

The articles link together. But clicking on the ‘Feelings 101’ logo will always bring you back to this start page.

A useful way to ‘take the Feelings 101’ is to read each article in order from this list below. However, each article is written to ‘stand alone’ and you might want to dip into the ones that seem most interesting.

Take the ‘Feelings 101’ and make a start with your feelings!

Getting support with feelings
Remember that everyone is different and any self-help process can only offer ideas in general terms. It may be that ‘dealing with feelings’, especially uncomfortable ones, means working with someone who is qualified to support you.
Why not book an initial assessment session with a counsellor/therapist who is registered with a nationally recognised professional body (such as BACP or UKCP in the UK)?

Tags anger, Anxiety, fear, feelings, Panic, sadness, TA, transactional analysis

Understanding Ourselves

Dealing with Panic

Having a panic attack is certainly a frightening experience and may leave you wondering ‘what’s wrong with me?’ ‘Am I ill?’ ‘Am I going mad?’

A useful, four-fold approach to dealing with panic is;

Clarification
Normalisation
Coping
Exploration

This approach is something to work with when you are not panicking, when you are able to think clearly and rationalise the panic experiences you have had.

Clarification

Begin with basic questions and answers regarding your panic experience. During a panic attack you may well believe that you are ‘about to die’ or are ‘going mad’. But, now you are able to reflect calmly on your experience of panic, take a look at this useful NHS resource; NHS Panic Resource

Does the duration of 5 to 20 minutes match with your experience?
Did the physical symptoms of panic described match with your experience?
When you read the criteria regarding seeking medical advice, did they apply to your panic experience?

The article describes well the intense psychological symptoms, their sudden appearance and their frightening impact. But it also reassures that they aren’t dangerous, they don’t result in physical harm and are unlikely to require a hospital admission.

Normalisation

Your experience of panic involved some very intense physical and psychological symptoms and there is a natural tendency to infer from these that you’re experiencing something extraordinary. Indeed, as far as your general range of personal experiences go, the symptoms are extraordinary.

However, across the population, at least one in ten people experiences occasional panic attacks and around 1% (or, in the UK, half a million of us) experience worrying, recurrent and unexpected panic.

During your attack you may feel very alone and detached – but calmly viewed across the population you are in good company. This is why there are so many resources out there.

As well as the NHS site above, it’s certainly worth reading what MIND, Rethink and AnxietyUK have to say.

Coping Strategies – 1. Avoiding Attacks

The NHS guidance points to a number of ways to avoid panicking. These are about eating regular meals which stabilise blood-sugar levels and avoiding those powerful psychotropic drugs we so often rely on – caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

The guidance also points to ‘relaxation techniques’ e.g. yoga and meditation which benefit us is many ways, including by reducing our general level of arousal. These are most effective when practiced regularly and built into a lifestyle in a way that you experience as enjoyable.

Coping Strategies – 2. When Panic Strikes

The two main ideas about dealing with panic as it is happening are ‘controlled breathing’ and ‘relaxation techniques’. These are detailed well by the NHS and AnxietyUK and many people find that they have some use, even if they are not completely effective.

Exploration

Exploration is really about beginning to get to grips with the underlying causes of your panic experiences and beginning to work with them therapeutically. Here are some ways to begin to explore;

During panic we often have an urge to literally run away from the people, place or situation we find ourselves in. Do you have a sense of which place, people or situations invite panic?

Perhaps keeping a log of where you were, who you were with and what you were doing would be helpful in finding common environmental ‘triggers’ for your panic?