In couples counselling we create enough space for each of you to be heard and understood fully. This can be a challenging task in itself, but it offers the possibility of two people changing, by changing together.
The same difficult feelings, over and over
There is a difficulty; You know this because you feel bad. Your partner probably feels bad too, but it may not be clear what’s going on. Your urge is to ‘talk it through’, ‘fix it together’ or ‘have it out’. But…
- It’s just too painful to begin
- When you begin, your partner doesn’t want to talk
- You begin talk together, but that seems to make things worse
- You talk, and agree, but eventually you’re ‘back to square one’
The bad feelings, the same bad feelings, are back again.
When the time is right
You may be;
- just near the start of a relationship
- in another relationship that feels like the last one in some way
- going through an event that has ‘brought things to head‘ such as grief, infidelity or redundancy
- decided that you’re parting, but want to end well
- already separated, but don’t want your next relationship to be the same
In all these cases, if your relationship is causing you pain, there’s no need to keep doing relationship in the same way. There are ways to do relationship differently.
Doing things differently
My experience is that the key to doing things differently is this;
We need recognise that;
- We each have unfinished, unresolved hurts from the time when we were growing up. We bring these into our adult life, and especially into our closest relationship.
- When we recognise these old hurts ‘playing out’ in our closest relationship we can also recognise that our relationship is an opportunity to bring some healing, some resolution to these old wounds for both partners.
This can be a challenging idea, and a courageous journey.
The role of a couples counsellor is to walk alongside you both, supporting communication and encouraging self-awareness.
Frame of Reference
I’ve written much more about this approach to couples counselling here; Couples Counselling, A Frame of Reference.
My idea is that you take a read at this. Ideally both of you will read this and notice something together about what it means in your relationship.
And, if your partner doesn’t want to be involved, individual sessions focused on your relationship may be a way forwards.
- I know that getting both partners together for 90 minutes at the same time can be difficult because of responsibilities like work and childcare. I offer a broad range of days and times; take a look at my ‘current availability’ below to see how working together might fit with both your schedules.
- It may be that working online is a way to overcome some practical difficulties, especially around geography. If this seems useful you can read more about working online here.
- My fees for couples work are on my FAQ’s page.
Making a start…
If your relationship is causing you both pain, there’s no need to keep doing relationship in the same way.
If you feel I might help you together, or as an individual, I would say let’s talk about how we might work together; use the contact form below to send me an email.